Among the myriad volumes of Christian parenting advice material available today, the aspect of parenting adult kids is comparatively sparse. Some snort at the idea —particularly the young ready to tackle life independently, and those who value the ridiculous eighteen-year-old ‘boot’ —y’all might as well know right now, I’m not one of them, but perhaps you’ve somehow guessed it of me. 

Once a Parent | Always a Parent

For every family and every stage of life, a parent’s role and influence may be dramatically different from others —still, parents are parents. 

The changes as our kids become adults are generally in our assumed relationship and responsibility. This legitimate stage of life and the necessary adjustments in the parent/adult-child dynamic are significant and admittedly sensitive to maneuver. 

Because individual circumstances are so unique, family to family and culture to culture, it is complicated to map a picture of what would accurately describe a healthy parent/adult-child relationship today. However, I would expect it to generally require mutual courage, trust, and respect across the board. And I would assert, like all Christian parenting stages, it will require a considerable measure of God’s grace.

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In our family, this new parent/adult-child relationship looks most like a mentoring friendship —we are all still ourselves and enjoy the knowing intimacy built while the kids were young —grateful and continuing to grow from life together, in good times and bad. 

We respect each child and their family’s autonomy. We intentionally set aside time for each other and hang out together when mutually possible, celebrating special events and each individual. And we devotedly encourage one another as always, tangibly look out for each other —serving one another when needed, as well as sharing joys, sorrows, and prayer requests. 

There are times where our advice is requested and respectfully given, and there have been very few instances over the years where we have taken the role of Ezekiel the Watchman (Ezekiel 33:1-11), warning of danger. Though we absolutely avoid hounding, we are not shy to speak the truth in love.

Empty Nesting

I remember as a young adult promising myself, I would never forget what it was like to be young, making independent life-altering choices —for right or for wrong —of my own. This remembrance has served me well throughout my parenting —especially as it was time to let go, encouraging our kids to fly.

Stache and I have been complete empty-nesters for nearly a year. Because our five kids are oldest to youngest, fifteen years apart in age, we were blessed by a long-drawn-out process of our kids leaving home, giving my mama’s heart lots of time to adjust.

These days, we often find ourselves almost giddily appreciating our time alone. Still, as the day approached this past September, for our last young adult to ‘fly the coop,’ I can tell you the idea wasn’t something I was looking forward to —quite the contrary. 

We are, of course, happy for each of our independent and married kids, and we love their spouses as our own. Though the change in relationships was a heart-wrenching, sometimes lonely adjustment to get through, it’s comforting knowing this is healthy for our kids. They were never ours to hold onto forever but to nurture and launch, hopefully leading their own God-glorifying lives.

Biblical Examples of Parenting

Far better than opinion or personal experience, the Bible is the best place to learn God’s mind on any matter —and this adult parenting thing is no less so. Too big of a subject to do justice in a single blog post, I’ll point to a few Biblical examples for you to consider on your own. Interestingly, the parents I’ll mention are all dealing with adult kids. 

Differences in culture and context are obvious, but God doesn’t seem shy about holding parents accountable in extreme instances where they did nothing or too little to stop the evil being committed by their kids. These and other examples in the Bible have given me pause to think about our parenting and relationships with adult kids. I encourage you to read these examples and ask God how they might apply to your circumstances.

What To Do When Adult Kids Walk Away From God

Relating to adult kids might go swimmingly well until there are disagreements or disappointments of some nature. This situation can go both ways, of course. The young adults’ desire for independence and parental concern as they take it —is unsure territory at best. 

There is little else more tragic than knowing your kids have chosen a way that will at minimum harm them physically and emotionally. But all the scarier is when they are willing to shake their fists and boldly fly in the face or conversely —quietly ignore the living God.

Witnessing multiple close examples of such circumstances, none the least my own falling into sin for a time as an independent young adult, I have gained several perspectives from Scripture that have guided my thoughts and actions on the matter. 

 

Don’t Make It Personal —Unless It Is

My mother took my choices so personally, convinced that my wrong decisions were intended to hurt her specifically (and who could honestly blame her?). As gross as it feels to admit it today, my ignorant, immature nineteen-year-old self scoffed at the idea. 

I remember thinking, my choices had nothing to do with my mom —the decisions at the time were simply mine, for me —no looking back. By God’s mercy, becoming a parent myself soon changed much of my thinking and wizened up my willful ways. 

It may be encouraging for you to know, Mom and I were blessed to enjoy many years of forgiveness, restoration, and a close, heart-knit relationship together before her passing. I miss her dearly.

A family culture of owning one’s sin against another is always beneficial. No parent or child is perfect. If you’ve hurt or offended your kids (adult or otherwise) in some way, genuine repentance goes a long way towards healing and restoration. More importantly, it’s God-honoring, 

Love Like Jesus Loves

Jesus gave us so many examples of how to love. He crossed boundaries the Pharisees in the Bible wouldn’t and entered the homes of known sinners to save them. He allowed Himself to be broken for our sake —to save us from ourselves. 

We would do well to consider the walls we build in our parental relationships —the non-negotiables for our personal comfort, reputation, and pride. When I am tempted to build a wall or put my foot down on an unfair or unjust matter, the Lord faithfully reminds me of how He responded to unjust treatment in 1 Peter 2:18-25. When we love as Jesus loves, there’s no telling the impact it has on a straying, wayward heart. 

Wait Expectantly for the Miracle

Some parents take the position of the Pharisee, expecting themselves and their kids to toe a rigid line of external perfection —a black and white line where repentance must be proven before forgiveness is extended. In this context, it is assumed, tears of loss and fear while turning from sin undeniably prove that repentance isn’t genuine. Kids of such parents aren’t welcomed home with joy but judged mercilessly, without wisdom regarding their child’s heart and spirit. Clearly, this is not Biblical, Godly parenting for any age!

Jesus tells The Parable of the Lost Son in Luke 15:11-32. This story never ceases to amaze me! The phrase “But when he was still a great way off” the father sees his son and runs to him —is the most fantastic, hope-filled phrase of all! 

That father was watching for his lost son, waiting expectantly for his return. The son had said nothing, asked nothing, proven nothing. But the father RAN to his son, arms wide open, ready to receive his son without reproach or judgment —only compassion and celebration. Jesus told this parable because this is how God receives us when we come to Him.

Consider a wayward child that has not only harmed himself, stacking up consequences and who knows what else, but perhaps embarrassed the family and broken the hearts of many in the process. Can you, like the Father, receive your son or daughter home without poking a rebuke? Would you be waiting expectantly for your adult child? Would your arms be wide open, compassion overflowing, praising God for a miracle?

Parenting On Our Knees

Out of desperation, we can place value in interventions, entrapment, or perhaps less offensively, put our trust in a particular sermon or situation to reach our lost kids. I’ve seen these scenarios come to no good for the parent or the adult child —in fact, they have the potential to harm the relationship further when intentionally imposed. Consider, would your heart likely be changed in reverse circumstances? 

God is bigger than our best plans and strategies. We are far more effective on our knees at the feet of Jesus, imploring God to intervene on our kids’ behalf.

Besides my own life, I had occasion once to witness God’s intervention. It was the most shocking yet beautiful example of His love and patience with a young adult who had lost her way. 

Close enough to the situation to be active in her life, even while she made choices offensive to God, I felt called to love as Jesus loved us —even as we were yet sinners (Romans 5:8). I was convicted to stay in her life as ever. Jesus wasn’t afraid to lovingly pursue those in sin, and Jude 1:22-23 seemed to confirm my course.

The pit this loved one dug got deeper and tragically deeper, piling lifelong consequences none of us could have foreseen. But one miraculous day, I received an email. Unbeknownst to me, even as I wept and prayed those years, this person had been gently yet persistently pursued by God. And suddenly she wanted to come home. All praise to God —talk about a celebration!! We still celebrate and thank God many years later.

Trust God and Pray

Bless God —not all adult kids walk away from Him when they leave our homes or make outrageous, destructive choices that eventually harm them and others. Still, if I’ve learned anything from my young adult rebellion, some of my kids’ imperfections, or extended family and dearly loved ones —we honor God and serve our family’s best on our knees praying. 

The finest, most exemplary parenting of adult kids is —be there. Watch, listen, encourage, engage, and serve in their life where ever you are welcomed. Honestly own your mistakes and seek forgiveness when you inevitably ‘blow it’ —extending buckets of compassion and sacrificial love wherever you can. And entrust your children to God, faithfully waiting expectantly for necessary miracles along the way.

PC: All Photos in this post –Karsyn Overdorf Photography