Not long ago, it dawned on me that I have invested all kinds of effort into learning how to love my husband – and yet I can’t remember a time that I intentionally did the same with my children! Suddenly, the question of ‘how to love your children’ has yet to give me rest.

Recognizing my inclination towards exaggerated parental self-doubt, let me rush to clarify. I’ve no doubt invested myself in my children. But I have rather heavily relied on my natural, mama’s heart – letting the chips fall where they may, so to speak when it comes to love. Because, of course, I LOVE my children!  

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I had never explicitly thought to put my mothering perspectives and responses through the definitive sieve of 1 Corinthians 13.

Word Study

Using the same Biblical definition of love as with How To Love Your Husband, I took myself back through the jungle of words and descriptions with the perspective of loving children. I rewalked through dusty explanations, synonyms, antonyms, and several great tools of a word study.

Before touching in on some of the cost of love, I couldn’t help but take a fresh look at how the Word describes the value of life and of each individual child. Have you ever set back and considered the enormity of this gift from God?

Throughout the Bible, there is mention of God creating humankind and of God’s love for us. The Psalmist speaks of it directly in Psalm 127:3, God is the creator and giver of life, and in Psalm 139:13-16. Each and every person is known by God before we are formed!

Remembering these truths with grateful awe has the power to daily impact our personal lives. But imagine with me how it might impact our mothering?!

Learning to Love

‘Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.’

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 ESV

The apostle Paul teaches the significance of love in 1 Corinthians 13:1-3, and then he describes how to love as God loves in verses 4-8. I should confess that as much time as I have spent on this subject throughout my life, I still dramatically fall short of Jesus’ example.

Understanding love as God loves, speaks first to how very much we ourselves are loved by God. Do you ever try to imagine something that even with a plethora of facts and descriptions, you still can only vaguely picture the bare essence of its reality? He loves us SO much!

As Christians, we are called to love others as Christ loves us.

Love Is…

Patient

• The capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset. [ref. dictionary.com]
• The quality of enduring evils without murmuring or fretfulness; sustaining afflictions of body or mind with fortitude, calmness, or Christian submission to God’s will. [ref. webstersdictionary1828.com]
• To permit further. [ref. Patience: BLB Vines Expository Dictionary]

It could be said that mothers have the suffering aspect of patience, down to a science. Let’s be honest here, as beautiful as it may be, we endure the physical inconvenience, and overall anxiety, terror, and pain of childbearing before ever holding our children in our arms.

And that is just the beginning! Generally speaking, natural love carries us through these early sufferings such that they are mere trifles compared to the joy of meeting our children. However, we can’t assume of each other that this is always the case. Our stories are all unique and have circumstances that challenge outside of ‘norms.’

It doesn’t take long to encounter the daily realities of loving our children. There is abundant joy, but the nights get long. Our days are consumed, but of course, we release them gladly. In the name of love, we give all we’ve got and more, for our children’s best good.

Kind

• A person of a good and benevolent nature or disposition. [ref. dictionary.com]
• Disposed to do good to others, and to make them happy by granting requests, supplying wants, or assisting them in distress; having tenderness or goodness of heart. [ref. webstersdictionary1828.com]
• Serviceable, good, pleasant [ref. BLB Vines Expository Dictionary]

Patience paired with kindness. That’s the kicker, don’t you think? It’s where the rubber hits the road, so to speak. I’ll be transparent. Once my kids were of age enough to know and communicate their own choices (which were generally not akin to mine), that’s when kindness became a tougher challenge to choose.

Reading the definition of kindness alone without further knowledge of the Bible, one might assume God is calling us to be the most permissive parents who’ve ever walked the planet. But what do we do with other passages that speak of training and discipline as a criterium of loving children?

When filtering parental love through the filter of agape love, we can’t randomly throw portions of Scripture out the window. They all go together. Think about it. Is it genuinely kind to give in to a child’s every whim? Heaven help the poor dear!

Godly wisdom always applies. We ask ourselves, how CAN my parental love be kind? Living and responding in general pleasantness is easy enough to accomplish. And then, in so far as we can possibly give without future harm, we tenderly give. Why wouldn’t we?

Love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude

• Having no discontented desire or speaking with excessive pride. It does not have an exaggerated sense of one’s own importance or abilities. No startling abruptness or offensive ill-manner. [ref. envy, boast, arrogant, and rude at dictionary.com]
• Is not prone to repining at another’s prosperity or bragging. It is not haughty, giving one’s self an undue degree of importance or rough. [ref. envy, boast, arrogant, and rude at webstersdictionary1828.com]
• It is not jealous or be puffed up with pride. [ref. envy and boast at BLB Vine’s Expository Dictionary]

When we don’t understand that God is the giver of life and that we serve him as caretakers and teachers of HIS children, these unloving traits are practically inevitable.

With all my heart, I wish that I could testify to you that my kids lived with a quiet-spirited mother. They did not. Long forgiven by God and my children, my mothering allowed moments of aggressive yelling, ultimatums spat through gritted teeth, and proud demands for respect.

Giving ourselves ‘permission’ to behave in ways that are less than loving brings no glory to God – and it robs our children of the love that God intends us to give.

Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful.

•  No tendency to be easily annoyed or made angry. It doesn’t feel or express bitterness or indignation at having been treated unfairly. [ref. irritable and resentful at dictionary.com]
•  It is not easily susceptible to anger, inflamed, or exasperated. [ref. irritable and resentful at Webster’s 1828 Dictionary]

The need to ‘walk on eggshells’ around a parent’s habitually unrestrained emotions is a traumatic tragedy that impacts for a lifetime. Specifically intended or not, this self-focused behavior on the part of a parent leads to a life of insecurity, not to mention the gross disrespect of the children in our care.

We may not be living terrors in our mothering, as the world might define them, God forbid. But we are still in need of forgiveness and grace if we impose ourselves on our families in such ways.

This isn’t to suggest that a parent can never be real with their kids or make definitive decisions that our kids might not prefer. It does, however, address that love is stable and thoughtful of others.

Love does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth.

• It does not do illegal or dishonest behavior but rejoices in that which is true. [ref. wrongdoing and truth at dictionary.com]
• Love does not do evil or wicked action but conforms to fact or reality. [ref. wrongdoing and truth Webster’s 1828 Dictionary
• It does not do wrong. Love rejoices in what is “true” in the sense of “real, ideal, genuine.” [ref. wrongdoing and truth BLB Vine’s Dictionary]

There is understated bravery tucked within loving the truth. I dare say, a mere natural mama’s type love doesn’t possess it. Jesus and many persecuted Christians across the centuries know. The refusal to deny God in terms of right vs. wrong can cost everything.

God, our creator, defines that which is evil and truth. Love knows the difference between them and still – loves as Jesus loves. Jesus’ parables of The Lost Sheep and the Prodigal of the Lost Son picture this aspect of love so beautifully.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

• It carries, supports, trusts, anticipates and remains in all things. [ref. bear, believe, hope, endure at dictionary.com]
• Love supports, expects with confidence, desires good for the beloved, and remains. [ref. bear, believe, hope, endure at Webster’s 1828 Dictionary]
• It supports as a burden and abides. [ref. bear, endure at BLB Vine’s Dictionary]

Sounding somewhat like a mother’s appreciation poem, these four characteristics of love, beautifully written, seem to weave a foundation of endearment.

This love is no fairy tale love. It’s the blood sweat and tears of love – having the power to build up – both to heal and to save. And it never ends! I want my kids to know and experience such love.

Love never ends

I have to confess that I have been repeatedly convicted as I worked through these definitions. I’ve had to set back for fresh air and remind myself, ‘There is, therefore, no condemnation to those who are in Christ.’ (Romans 8:1). And repeat it again. The Lord undoubtedly knows – both He and my children have granted me buckets of grace across our years together!

The truth about this love described in God’s Word isn’t given to discourage. Although we quickly find how unreal it is to our human experience, agape love at its very core declares the gospel story of Jesus! And where we can’t possibly live it out on our own, Jesus can, and he’s willing to help us!

Moving forward, I would assert that a regular honest assessment and confession to God of where we fall short of genuine love would be helpful towards the growth of it. We can ask God to cover areas in our kids’ lives where we have failed to love. And we can ask God to open the eyes of our kid’s hearts to know Him. I’ve seen him do it, and it sure looks like love to me!

Keep looking to Jesus, dear friends. He will do it! He will teach us to love in truth.